Not For A Hundred Dollars

Here we are, nearly a month since the Split.

I'm still jobless. I still haven't quit smoking. I have finally cut down on the Dew. I have barely read a book or worked on my writing.

Starting over takes time. A lot of time. But I feel like one of those people that expects results within hours of starting something new. I want all the things to start NOW. I want to stop giving my headaches from stress.

I am so tired of being held under someone's thumb, asking for this or that. It's only recently that I've gotten a break on the job front.

I have signed up on Upwork as a freelancer. I take on work as a transcriptionist, editor, writer, and pretty much anything else I find that requires skills I know I have. My downfall is exprience right now.

Why is it that to gain experience you have to work, but you need experience to work? It's a never ending cycle of rejection, anger, and stress. *sigh*

I''m eeking by, from friends and family, but it's not supporting myself. I'm still relying on others to get me from day to day.

It's frustating, to say the least. I have this list that I like to look at every once and a while. A list of all the things I want: a nice house with a cozy reading corner, my dream kitchen. A 1967 Ford Mustang GT. A published novel. An english teacher.

So many things...and I wonder if I'll make it to see the day when I finally get all those things. I wonder if I'll ever get those things.

The trick is holding your head up, never giving up. Just keep on keeping on. But I really, really just want to put my head down. Get a little rest. just for a little bit.


Have you ever experienced a crshing moment of defeat? How did you get through it? Let me know in the omments below.

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No Review This Week

The past two weeks have been a scamble. A lot of changes have been made, and now I'm trying to piece everything back together.

I've been looking for a job, cleaning my dad's house, and tending to Lil Miss. Things are coming together, slowly but surely, but it's come at a price. I'm not the oly one paying it, and I absolutely hate the pain this has all caused.

But emotions aren't like a light switch. They can't be turned on or off at a person's will. There's not much I can do in that department, but I'm still here. Pushing forward.

Tody was supposed to be review day. Obviously, that's not happening this week. But it will happen, I promise. Next week, I swear. I have a few books waiting on my TBR list waiting to be reviewed.

Also, I'm going to start writing again. I want to bget back to Crystallised and Legacy. I also have a few other books I want to start writing. I'm still fleshing out the plans for those, but I'll keep you posted.

That's it for today. I'll be back Friday, if not then next Monday. Promise.

Happy Wednesday, lovelies.

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I've Never Done That Before

Unfortunately for you guys, you'll never know what I did. Ok, maybe a little.

I did something hard. I did something that hurt a lot of people. I tore my life in a hundred pieces and am now slowly piecing them back together.

My whole life I have worked for other people, taken care of other people, sacrificed for other people. I have been pissed off, pissed on, and sitting on limbo in regards to myself since I was 12 years old.

I didn't do what I did to hurt anyone. I wanted, needed, to figure myself out instead of just being a part of something. I needed to know who I am.

I have to learn to stand on my own two feet with no one holding me up. I need to learn to stand up for myself and my Lil Miss. I lost sight of that because I was afraid. Afraid to be alone, afraid I would fail. Afraid of hurting the people I care I care about.

Will it take a while? Yes. But is it worth it? On so many different sides.

I don't know where I'll end up, but I'm going to get there on my own.

So yes, I abandoned you guys for a while week, but it is not without a good reason. I will be posting regular scheduled posts next week, with updates on life, book reviews, and other little tidbits.

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I'm Out!!!

Of town. Had you going didn't I?

I'm going out of town for the week to see my daddy. I am a daddy's girl through and through. Twice. 'Cus I have two daddies. Biological and guardian. I love them both so much and I never really take the time to talk to them, or any family really. It's one of my more shameful attributes. And I am trying to reconcile that. You never know when the day could be their or your last.

Because I'll be out of town, I won't have internet connection. Actually, this is a scheduled post, as will the other posts for this week be. I don't know when I'll be able to get to the library to make sure I get this done for you, so I'm making sure I don't break my promise.

Also, being a writer, I ahve a few writer friends. Below is one piece by a very old friend. We shall call him M. M has been writing for as long as I've known him and I love his work. His talent is painting pictures with his words.

I imagine some smooth, low voice reading it aloud to me and it's a calming pool of bliss. If I could give you audio of that I so would. And now, on to the beautiful:

The air of the human element,

Reading, seeing, feeling that hidden power

Self illuminating deep textured spheres,

Colors, images, mesmerizing transparent eyes,

All wanting to share deep layers of melodious overtones

to love the drama and the rhythm of the word fused with sonorous language.

Divine rhythm, layered from earth scaling upwards

Flowers, trees, hills, colored essence rising

Spiritually reflected with sunset painted frescoes

The look of the sky changes, pictures presented like each unique mood

One by one they trace their lines,

Spreading flowery pink hues with glorious purple stains

Here, a sphere, here the song,

Hear the layers all gathered together

Each day, a set of new instruments traced together in the sky

Each day, wondering, how to bring them down

Look into my face and you’ll see a calm man

With his eyes in a different dream, always hearing what can’t be heard

But knowing it holds an intense beauty.

Each dramatic surge reads like the innate driving pulse

Constantly revealing, solemnly reveling

In deep orchestral colors, of which I can only share

Sad little fragments

That need to be gathered together,

Each theme carefully corresponding  to

Surges, dreams, love, question, yearning

Peering over the edge into a reality that can be made

Hands raised towards the sky, gathering the motions, directing the current’s flow

The layering of evening colors harmoniously blended,

And over the land, voices raised in wordless tones,

Melodiously textured to reflect

the simplicity of colored fields to the eye.

Orchestrating the melody

Voice, upon voice, lovingly evocating simplicity

Contrast with those complex ones, more dissonant to the ear

Textured lightly, clearly, chromatic impressions

Strings seep through, singing continuously higher

guitar electric, light colored main voice, transition

layers of altered textured sounds carefully crafted and matched

to give voice to wordless internal reflective monologue.

Gentle, sad cycles, calling up to spiritual triumphant

Humble, pleading, thrown to mercy’s creative oblivion

To find answer, upon answer

Of the connection of image, motive, song

This one solo voice transformed into guiding textures

Blissful, cyclically striving,

Infinitely dynamically rich

Instruments may not exist to properly create that sound

The flow of each surge, the pulse of each colored breath,

Rising ever on, greater chords, painting liberation

with tones held away, inexpressible save by careful transposition

voices controlled deep before a thought becomes spoken word

deep before words, only this tone exists

to serve as mirror of all those moods, sanguinely reflected

the impenetrable space of truth in creativity.

So what did you think? Help me encourage M to post his work online. I want to know what you think in the comments below. Happy Monday!

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