NaNoWriMo is about to Begin!

NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month, Thirty days devoted to writing an entire novel. That's 50,000 words in thirty days.

Here's the break down:
 Sign up at nanowrimo.org
 Declare a project: Title, Cover image, Synopsis
 On November 1st, START WRITING!
 Everyday, check in with your word count.

And that's it. Easy as pie. It's great fun, and good practice for focusing. If you follow any of the nanowrimo boards on twitter there are usually admins running writing sprints, prompts, and other little tidbits to help you get through your writing day.

If you're still not sure you can do it...just try. Writing the first word is the first step. 

And Happy Halloween!!!!!

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This Screaming In My Head

I'm taking a few minutes for myself while Lil Miss watches Peg + Cat to write this.
I've written before that I'm happy, much happier than I was before. But there's something that eats away at me.

It's failure. Every time Lil Miss asks for something, I have to tell her no, because we don't have the money. Every time she wants to go to the park, I have to look all over town on the weekends for a park that hasn't been rented out for someone's birthday. But what breaks me in half is when she cries because she has no friends.

We've moved to a new town, again, where we know absolutely no one. Lil Miss's birthday passed a few weeks ago and she had no friends to invite over for a birthday party. She didn't even have  a birthday party, just a cake I made for her and a few presents from us and my in-laws (who do live near us, thank god we're not completely alone). She received gift-cards from others that we used to buy her cold weather clothes, things she needed.

But it's friends she wants. People to play with. Mommy and daddy is all she has right now, and when she plays with her aunt and uncle she breaks down when we have to leave them.

I feel like a failure because I should be doing more for her, but what else can I do? I want to home school her, am trying to, but she wants friends. She did really well in Sunday school the few times my father took her to church with him and his girlfriend. So there's evidence she would do well in a school setting. And she wants to go to school. She doesn't see the schoolwork we do here as school, just something she has to do. The only real way to get her to sit down and pay attention is buy paying her in TV time.

Shows like Peg + Cat, the Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, they all do really well teaching her different situations. Lil Miss lea
rned her whole alphabet from watching PBS, even counting to 100 (the thing I helped there was counting with her when she would ride her bike in circl
es, and that was a game she invented). She can skip count by two's. She asks how to spell words. All of this from TV.

Math is easy for her. Reading, not so much.

Maybe if I put her in school she would do better. Teachers are trained for it better than I am. She wants so much to do things on her own.

Do you see why I feel horrible all the time? I can't give her friends, I didn't put her in a traditional school, she learns more from TV than me. What hell am I even good for in this situation?

I do I help Lil Miss when all she wants is to play?

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I'm Not Dead!

Cheese and crackers this past summer has been a process. Neither good nor bad, just...a process. If you haven't guessed from earlier posts, I made some decisions for the better. The goal was to be happier and fix some relationships, and I got so much more than that.

I found out my mama is sick, has been for a while. As much as I wanted to hate her for everything she did to me growing up, I just couldn't do it. We don't know how much longer she has. So I've put everything behind me and stopped being angry with her. I cannot forgive or forget, but I can let it go. I wanted to make sure that she has time with the only grandchild she has. I know she loves her, she would give my Lil Miss her last dollar if she asked (which she probably would). She loves seating at the table and watching Lil Miss cut out strips of paper to build a railroad, or color pictures, or play hide & seek. It makes Mama happy, therefore, it makes me happy.

The most important thing about forging my own path was for my marriage. Sometimes we get so set in our ways we don't see the walls of our homes crumbling down. The roof was gone, the rain pouring in. So I left, and started a new home. I am very happy to say that my husband joined me in this new house. We're still working out problems, but now we're working together, instead of just living in the same house.

And what of the writing career (The whole purpose of this blog!)?

Well, it's getting there. I'm still writing, just not as much. I dedicate three, maybe four, hours a day to nothing but writing. In the morning I'm with Lil Miss and in the evening my husband is home and we spend family time and together time then. Once everyone goes to bed (they have an 8:00 pm bedtime, early work-shifts
), I get to sit alone in the dark at my desk, writing.

I work this way so that I don't take time away from either of them. If I ever sit down to write when they're around nothing ever gets done. Lil Miss wants to play or ask a thousand questions, Hubby needs help finding this or that, asks my opinions on a kitchen island I desperately want (hopefully I'll get it for Christmas, handmade by the hubby), or someone just wants to cuddle.

The writing career is going slowly, but I haven't stopped. As we speak I am on draft 8 (yes EIGHT) of Legacy. Things there are going swimmingly, although I giggle like a little schoolgirl when I get to, eh-hm, certain scenes.
(I just giggled thinking about it. There is definitely something wrong with me.)
Crystallised is coming along even more slowly. I've changed a few things around and now the first draft is half done. My Tutore series is even further away from where I hoped it would be. For the first book I ever actually sat down to write (and never got further than the first chapter) it is definitely taking a lot of time to get to the end of step one.

That's it. That's my life up to to this point. Besides not having internet and keeping me from talking to all you wonderful, I'm content. Happy.

That was the goal for all this.

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Book Review: The Winner's Curse

*I received a copy from my public library and chose to review of my own free will*

The Winner's Curse
ebook, 

355 pagesPublished: March 4th 2014
Publisher: Farrar Straus Giroux

They were never meant to be together. 

As a general's daughter, seventeen-year-old Kestrel enjoys an extravagant and privileged life. Arin has nothing but the clothes on his back. Then Kestrel makes an impulsive decision that binds Arin to her. Though they try to fight it, they can't help but fall in love. In order to be together, they must betray their people . . . but to be loyal to their country, they must betray each other.
Set in a new world, The Winner's Curse is a story of rebellion, duels, ballroom dances, wicked rumors, dirty secrets, and games where everything is at stake, and the gamble is whether you will keep your head or lose your heart.

Winning what you want may cost you everything you love

My Review

I tried very hard to stay away from this book. I had read some review on Goodreads that made the book out to be one sided. If you don’t know, this book is about slavery, revolution, and a girl falling in love with the wrong man.

Slavery does not sit well with me, expecially not books who glamorize slavery. This book made slavery out to not be as bad as it actually is. the slaves had privileges and were taken care of...but in reality, slavery is a harsh life. You need permission to just go out and by food or shoes for your children. And in this book the slaves are a once free people enslaved because they valued beauty over war.

The young female MC, whose point of view we follow through out the book, has lead a privileged life. She is wealthy, well-educated, taught in the art of fighting, and has a love of piano. She feels a comelling urge to buy a young man at the slavery block and befriends him, only t later learn of his betrayal.

Her life is turned upside down just as the native’s lives were flipped when they were first invaded. Her people are slaughtered and driven out of the country while she is taken hostage, presumably for her own safety by the young man she once bought and fell in love with.

The book des a fairly good job and showing how people who grow up with slavery as a normal part of every day life really have no idea of the darkside of slavery. The MC wonders wh slaves are fighting against it when they are provided homes, food, clothing, and jobs, while at the same time seeing slaves punished for the slightest infraction and believeing them to be deserved.

The slaves on the other hand see only the people they once were, forced out of their homes and made to do for others, instead for themselves. We see a little of the young man’s point of view, what he does to get the upper hand.

Throughout the book we see these two people from two very different worlds grow closer, to the point where they forget who the other person actually is. Even in the end, despite the betrayals committed against each other, the MC fights for both of her people...her own countrymen and the natives she once called slaves. she has grown to care for these people, see them as people not just slaves.

I really liked the execution of the Winner’s Curse. The story was well told and well developed. It was traditionally published so you know it is well put together.

I am looking forward to reading the econd book in the series.

4 stars

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Roadmaps Help You When You Think You Won't Need Them

When you want to be a published writer, many people still look to the exhaustive traditional publishing. Agents, query letters, rejections, and waiting. Sometimes you can wait months or even years. You will recieve fifty rejections before you get a deal.

I guess that’s why self-publishing is so appealing. You can publish when you want and screw the rejection. Plus, you get to keep more of the royalties. You are your own boss. Which means a whole lot more than you think.

To be your own boss and to self-publish, you have to treat your career like a business. You have to come up with a business plan, a marketing plan. There are legal things you have to do (such as IRS information). This all on top of writing, editing, and designing the cover.

If you have the budget, you can hire out editors and cover designers. Since the rise of self-publishing more and more people are branching out, becoming freelancers in their respective fields. A good editor can make a world of difference in your book and sales. Cover designers can give your book that leg up it needs to get people looking.

When you want to sell a book you have to think from the reader's perspective and how they choose a book. The cover is the first thing they see...so it has to fit the genre and be eye catching. Next is the description...get across just enough to pull the reader in but don’t give away the whole plot. The next thing is the inside. The reader will usually flip through a few pages to see how the inside looks. Grammar, alignment, font size...all that will make or break it for you as a writer.

All of these things can be hired out or done all by yourself. If you are like me, you can DIY all the way only because I cannot afford to hire out full time professionals.

To be able to do that I have to do a lot of research. The different types of editing, designing, and tips & tricks that can help me make the absolute best my book can be.

I’m going to leave these two things here.Both resources are chockfull of tips and things you need to know if you want to be a self-published writer. I cannot begin to tell you just how helpful these two books have been. And they’re free!

You can Google the authors and sign up for loads of free tips and tricks, and resources you will definitely need on your writing and publishing journey.

Successful Self-Publishing by Joanna Penn and Self-Publishing Boot Camp by Carla King

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Flawless Book Review

I received a free copy of this book for a fair and honest review.

Flawless

by Jennifer McGill-Sadera

Genre: Dark Contemporary

Age Category: New Adult

Release Date: September 2013

Blurb:

Nobody's perfect. Except Lia Copeland. She's flawless. And worshipped. And hated. From her perfectly proportioned figure and enviable bone structure to her instinctual talent for clothing design and cavalier attitude, Lia's the woman every other woman wants to be and every man wants to have. Catapulted from sigh-maker in the high-school halls to superstardom in the fashion world, she makes it look easy. A girl like that has everything; every reason to be happy. Then why does Lia Copeland just want everyone to leave her the hell alone?

A story about the choices made in the wake of travail and tragedy, it explores relationships with all their messy and marvelous moments and magnifies the beauty, wonder and endurance of first love.

My Review

This book is in two parts. The first was slow paced. I had to force my way through it because all I could see was a very shallow female MC who was always ‘Why me-ing?’ It took me two weeks to get through it.

So let’s start with this: I went into reading this book forgetting the description I had read when I signed up for the book review. I couldn’t for the life of me remember wat it was supposed to be about. Then little things started popping out at me: the darkness, her first time with her boyfriend. I still couldn’t remember what the book was about, but I was getting an inclination of it.

In part two, we finally hit the meat of the situation. The MC is now an adult, one of her closest friends pretty much forces her into therapy with a new psychiatrist, and the story has meaning.

The MC is no longer this little girl who is way too over confident and doesn’t give a crap about anyone. She is a woman who cares about people, has taken on the role of loving and doting aunt to her friends children, and who realizes something significant happened in her childhood that shaped her into the person she is.

By the end of the book, each meaningless scene in part one has meaning, a definition. There was a method to the narcissism. And I bawled like a baby.

Although the book could use some more editing and character building in the first part, I fell in love with the book.

The storyline is poignant and heart wrenching. Each scene created a person, not just a character or a world, but an entire person moving through life in different ways. The charaters grabbed you in their innocence, their loyalty. Their ends.

Flawless is truly one of those books that grabs you and pulls you in. It will break you down and build you back up again, just as th characters are broken and reshaped.

This book carries a trigger warning for depression, rape, and suicide. But as a victim of depression and rape, a survivor, I can tell you that it meant omething to read this back and come out stronger. Do not let fear of something that happened before keep you from moving on. 

I give 4 stars, all around. 

You can find Flawless on Goodreads

You can buy Flawless here:

- Amazon (Kindle):  

- Amazon (paperback)

- B&N (paperback)

About the author:

Jennifer McGill-Sadera first worked in the publishing industry as a junior copywriter for NAL/Penguin. She has written and edited for newspapers and magazines as a free-lancer and on the staffs of major women's publications "Woman's World" and "Redbook." Her New Adult novel "Flawless" is her first published book, though she admits to writing three previous unpublished books "just for fun." A nature lover, she recently became a certified horticulturist and has a side business designing flower gardens. She and her husband live in upstate New York with their two kids, two dogs and a lop-eared rabbit, who, incidentally, has a starring role in "Flawless."

You can find and contact Jennifer here:

- Facebook

- Twitter

- Goodreads

- Librarything

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A Bit of Show & Tell

Today is going to be a bit of show and tell.

Every writer has inspiration for their story. This inspiration can break off into clothing styles of characters, homes, towns, schools, etc.

For myself, my MC in Legacy has a very specific fashion sense: badass. And of course every badass girl has a sense of darkness abour her: leather, lace, dark colors. All those seemingly offputtig things that people pretend to dislike but are secretly drawn to.

I present to you, my fashion boards:

Just so’s we all know...this is actually my own fashion sense. I get a lady boner when I find a really cute lace shirt and pair it with black leggings and ankle boots. I actually used to dress this way back in high school. There’s just something classic about this kind of look, don’t you think?

Next is a collage I threw together (In procrastination, because how else do these things get done?)

The images are my inspiration for Legacy.

I gave my characters, mainly my female MC, the life I wanted. The clothes, the cars, the tattoos. I am living vicariously through my fictional characters. She has everything I want, while I have the life she craves. In a round about sense, I am her and she is me, and I get the best of both worlds. 

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The Forgotten Heiress Book Review partnered w/ Xpresso Book Tours

*I received a free e-book copy in return for a fair and honest review*

The Forgotten Heiress
Susie Warren
(The Bolles Dynasty, #1)
Publication date: June 28th 2014
Genres: Adult, Contemporary, Romance

A BARGAIN IS ARRANGED…

Fionn Lynch is a self-made Irish billionaire, sought after for his striking appearance, razor sharp intellect and ability to thrive in volatile markets. When his mentor dies unexpectedly in a tragic accident, leaving his business and family in turmoil, Fionn steps in and takes charge. He seeks out estranged heiress Olivia Grey to help squash the unpleasant rumors. When the details of her secret past are leaked to the media, she must decide if she is willing to trust Fionn and allow herself to be drawn into her estranged family. Sparks fly between the two when he persuades her to accompany him to New York to salvage her family’s crumbling financial empire.

A shy clothing designer who was raised by a guardian in an attempt to save the Bolles family from shame, Olivia proves that she has the strength and determination to survive. She has to fight her way through relentless media scrutiny, memories of her father, and the expectations of the elite New York social world–all while trying to keep Fionn at arm’s length, for she refuses to settle for an emotionally distant relationship ever again.

It proves impossible to deny her attraction to Fionn. Is their growing bond enough to overcome all the obstacles thrown into their path?

***The Forgotten Heiress is the first book in a six book series. Each book is a stand-alone category romance and tells the story of one of the Bolles family members.

Goodreads / Amazon

My Review 

The bad; I really feel like this book needs another edit. The grammar was bad, misspellings and forgotten words were abundant. Also, repetition and detail that didn’t match-up, such as near the end where one moment the man is standing outside and the next he’s suddenly in the kitchen. I was thrown multiple times by inconsistencies like this.

The good: I’m just going to say it, this felt like a much better frorm of Fifty Shades of Grey, without the controlling love interest and bdsm (If you can even call it at).

The Forgoten Heiress is a breath of fresh air when it comes to romances. We have the billionaire: hot, stong, independent, and the female MC: strong, icy, and a love of fashion. One had a harsh background, the other a mentally abusive background (Although it is never stated that way in the book). These two characters have been molded into who they are based on their past and this guides them through all of their choices.

To the heart of it, fear is the guiding principle in every character. The background charcters, the Bolles family mostly, have a more spiritual influence, as in their presence makes the MC afraid and judgemental, even though she does not know much of what really happened and can only go off of what people tell her. The stepmother exists as the conflict, spreading poison wherever she goes because she hates not being the center of attention.

The romance felt real, the clashing of the two independent characters was a train wreck I wanted to see crash. The impending explosion was rushed, and of course cliched (What love story isn’t?) and I loved it.

It is a short read, a very good book to read while languising in a lavender bubble bath.

Huzzah! 4 stars
Don't forget to sign up for the giveaway, link below!!!!

Author Bio:
Amazon bestselling author Susie Warren writes heartfelt and passionate contemporary romance with tempting, larger than life heroes and smart, sassy heroines. The stories are set in elite and glamorous worlds and appeal to readers looking for an escape from everyday life by offering jet-set lifestyles and sophisticated plots. Her category length series, The Rosa Legacy and the Bolles Dynasty, feature remarkable, stylish women and the sinfully tempting heroes that challenge them to reveal their secrets, their strengths and their deepest emotions. Susie lives in New York with her inventor husband and their three lively teenagers.
Connect with her online at susiewarren.com and sign-up for her newsletter at: http://eepurl.com/bGYl_5.

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Twitter

GIVEAWAY!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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A 50/50 Chance

I want to show you guys something. Here is my first ever self-designed cover for Legacy.

I was so proud of this when I first made it. I was on my way out of the “I’m going to hit it big!” way of thinking when I made this. Really, I just wanted a cover to see a finished product...book + cover = pretty pretty dreams in my hand.

And then reality slapped me in the face. Of course it usually does when I get a high happy point when I’m daydreaming about my future. That’s not to say I’m going to fail or never get to that publishing point.

I will get there. Motivation is a little lacking sometimes, but I’ll get there.

After weeks and weeks of research I knew the cover up there wasn’t gonna cut it. It might be enough to get people to look at it, but it is a huge risk. The quality is poor, the silhouette is blurry. The three colors all pop and it is clearly read (Haha, I made a pun), but what exacly draws the reader in to take a look at the description?

It doesn’t fit in the genre, there is very little you can gain about the story from this cover. Then again....it really is a toss up. I’ve got a 50/50 chance of winning or failing with this cover. But I got to say, this will be on my wall one day.

It’s a testament to how much I’ve changed in the past two years. 

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Saven Deception Book Review

I recieved a free copy in exchange for a fair and honest review. 

Saven: Deception (The Saven Series #1)

By Siobhan Davis

Genre: Science Fiction Romance

Age category: Young Adult

Release Date: December 15, 2015

Blurb:

I’ve fallen hard for an alien, but he’s harboring secrets.

Massive secrets that threaten the very essence of humanity.

How can I give him my heart when his race plans on taking my future?

Sadie Owens has been slowly dying inside. Bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day. Trapped in a life she hates, she relies on only one person—herself.

Despised by her family and betrayed by an unscrupulous government, Sadie dreams of a different life. When she is chosen to participate in the government’s new social experiment, she is ecstatic at the prospect of spending six months in Thalassic City, the shiny new city under the sea.

Immediately drawn to Logan Chandler, Sadie is captivated by the beautiful boy with the ocean-blue eyes. Logan seems to embody everything that has been forbidden, but he isn’t all he appears to be.

Confused over Logan’s true intentions and concerned when best friend Jenna starts transforming in front of her eyes, Sadie partners with newcomer Jarod in a bid to uncover the government’s real agenda. The truth is more shocking than anything she could ever have imagined.

When Sadie finally understands why the Saven walk among us, will it be too late to save her heart and the human race?

My Review

I’m just going to start off with this: I do not like alien books. Jennifer Armentrout’s Lux series is the only exception to this.

With that, I went into this ignoring my bias. I knew there would be romance and I knew there would be aliens. I was hoping there would be a change in opinion and a need to get to book two in the series as fast as possible as with the Lux series. But there wasn’t.

The writing was good, the plot cliched, and the romance was typical. But, because I am a sucker for YA paranormal I will be picking up book two because I want to know what happens next.

Let’s get to the nitty-gritty shall we?

What I did NOT like: the cliches. The book was abound with them. The romance aspect was pretty much “oooo hot guy, I’m in love’ and that was that. There was no relaitonship building, no sweet moments, nothing to lead me to believe this guy was soooo amazing as the MC made him out to be. He fell in my esteem as we saw him with girl, after girl, after girl. He was controlling, narcissistic, and egotistical. What exactly is there to love with this guy? There is a bond, which makes me wonder are they in love simply because this bond exists? Near the end, they finally get together because he just cant stand to be apart from her any longer. I still hate the romance portion of the book, but I still called the MC a total bitch when she betrays him. (Spoiler alert!)

I keep getting hinged on the love at first sight thing. That crap is not gonna fly. Nope, nada. Ain’t happening, honey. Where is the depth, the emotional connection? What is she attracted to/annoyed with? What exactly about her is so appealing to him that he can want her and be with other girls at the same time?

The MC spent most of the book self-deprecating herself all from her height to how she developed due to circumstances. Talk about pathetic. This girl was not strong, she was pathetic and I hated her. Oh woe is me, I’m so short. Oh boo-hoo I’m poor. Half the world is short and poor and don't constantly badger themselves and put themselves down for it. One is genentics and the other is an oppurtinity to do better and make your life better, hence the underwater city you now live in. Jesus Christ.

Also, I wanted more worldbuilding. We saw the envious view of th MC and the judgement and prejudice of the MC against anyone who had a better life than she, but nothing else. We know her life was dirty and rungy, and the rich live in gold and marble but what else? Is that all exists? Is this in the future, a different world? What happened to ead the world to this point in time, are the aliens really just looking for a new home and ended up really evil? What?

The book needs work, a lot of it in my opinion.

But now, my likes. The romance. Let’s face it...romance sells. Aliens, or rather the paranormal, sells. We are all sticklers for the love at first site, world-ending, you die I die, type of book. We want to know that a love stronger than the forces of the world can exist. Can you choose to live without someone or lose everything for that someone?

So here I declare a three stars book. I want to hate this book because the MC is just so badly developed, but I have to admit.

She is someone I love to hate and want more of.

You can find Saven: Deception on Goodreads  

You can buy Saven: Deception here:

- Amazon USA

- Amazon UK  

- Amazon Canada  

- Amazon Australia

- B&N

- Kobo  

- iTunes

About the Author:

Siobhan Davis writes young adult science fiction fantasy romance books, and she is the author of the Amazon bestselling True Calling series. The first book in her new Saven series was released in December 2015.

A self-professed teenager forever--at least when it comes to books, music, and films, Siobhan is totally addicted to teen fiction and superhero/blockbuster movies. She loves baking, shoes, bags, makeup, anti-wrinkle cream, anything pink, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry, and Robert Pattinson (definitely Team Edward).

Before pursuing a full-time writing career, Siobhan forged a successful corporate career in Human Resources over the last twenty years. She resides in the Garden County of Ireland with her husband and two sons.

You can find and contact Siobhan here:

- Website

- Blog

- Facebook  

- Twitter  

- Google +  

- Goodreads  

- Amazon   

- Newsletter    

Sample chapters, quotes, reviews and book excerpts are all available to download from the authors website

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Legacy is Born

I’ve gone on and on about what I’ve been doing lately, except for what really matters to you guys: my current projects.

For Camp Nanowrimo in April I was working on my mermaid adventure, Crystallised. I finished that with a win. But I felt burnt out over it. I couldn't write anymore. So I put it on the backburner for a little while.

Now I’m working on an oldy-but-goody, my first ever book, my literary baby Legacy. What can I say about Legacy? It’s fast paced, action packed, has a strong female MC, romance, deciet, and fast cars.

Legacy was inspred by a NA book, Jamie McGuire’s Beautiful Disaster. I loved that book, how beautiful and tragic it really was on different levels. So I set out to write my own NA book. Legacy started out as Leather Angel, the first in a set of three books. I wrote that whole book out by hand in a set of spiral bound notebooks I bought at Dollar Tree.

When I started typing it, the story changed, taking on a life of its own. I hear a lot of authors talk about how when they write, the story changes and surprises them. They don’t know where the story will go or how it will change. Sometimes I wonder how that can be. How can you write something and the characters do something you don’t expect? Aren’t you writing the blasted thing?

Well...my own project did just that. It changed, it surprised me. As I typed, I looked less and less at my hand-written novel. I stared at the computer screen and wrote for hours on end. The words flowed. I did no research, usually only looking online to spell a word if I wasn’t sure I had spelled it right. I made no notes as I was writing.

All I saw was the screen in front of me and the story acting as a movie inside my head. I could hear their voices, the yelling, the fear and love and sadness seeping out through my fingers.

I started typing April 2014 and wrote the final word July of the same year. Four months had gone by and I had a story. Start to finish and a whole lot of drama inbetween. It was time to start editing. I got through chapter one, then chapter two...At the end of July I was gearing up to do a major rehaul of Leather Angel.

Until my whole world came crashing down. For the first time in years, the first time ever, I was broken. Even the years of physical and mental abuse didn’t break me the way that one night late July did. The relationship I had mirrored the emotions for the book had been shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I coudn’t even look at LA again. I was done with it. Everything I wanted, that I was, I let it go. And hated it. LA became a symbol. One I didn’t want to deal with. So I deleted it. I had copies of it everywhere, in all my emails, my online storage, my computer...I deleted them all. Except for one.

I gazed at my computer screen, at this final symbol of all my hard work and emotion. I saw it in two parts: what I wanted it to be and what it had come to mean. If I was to delete it, I would lose that girl I wanted to be, no matter the consequences.

So I moved the email with LA attached to a folder I rarely used, and promptly pretended to forget it had ever existed.

For two years, I moved in a cloud of numbness. I refused to acknowledge what I was doing in the wake of that summer’s events. I had bowed under pressure, stuffing my independent will under a blanket of subservience. I held my tongue, I pretended, I was a shadow.

Until one day, I woke up. I opened that email and saw Leather Angel glaring back at me. I could feel the girl I was screaming at me to do something before it was too late. The dark thing inside my mind was growing again. The years of beating it back with a stick had ended long ago, but it was time to get that stick back out.

I opened Leather Angel and started to work. Legacy was born, and the old me right along with it.

In the past few months I have made changes, made decisions, and it has led me to this point: I am not the type to bow down and take what I get. I want so much more than what I have been given in life. I forgot who I was for a litte while, and stopped dreaming of what I could do to make the world a better place. But now I am better for it.

We all are, I think. My identity crisis saved me, saved me from a darkness I can only hope will go back to the sleeping giant it once was. I almost threw away something precious to me, but I reeled it back in before it was too late. 

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