This Screaming In My Head

I'm taking a few minutes for myself while Lil Miss watches Peg + Cat to write this.
I've written before that I'm happy, much happier than I was before. But there's something that eats away at me.

It's failure. Every time Lil Miss asks for something, I have to tell her no, because we don't have the money. Every time she wants to go to the park, I have to look all over town on the weekends for a park that hasn't been rented out for someone's birthday. But what breaks me in half is when she cries because she has no friends.

We've moved to a new town, again, where we know absolutely no one. Lil Miss's birthday passed a few weeks ago and she had no friends to invite over for a birthday party. She didn't even have  a birthday party, just a cake I made for her and a few presents from us and my in-laws (who do live near us, thank god we're not completely alone). She received gift-cards from others that we used to buy her cold weather clothes, things she needed.

But it's friends she wants. People to play with. Mommy and daddy is all she has right now, and when she plays with her aunt and uncle she breaks down when we have to leave them.

I feel like a failure because I should be doing more for her, but what else can I do? I want to home school her, am trying to, but she wants friends. She did really well in Sunday school the few times my father took her to church with him and his girlfriend. So there's evidence she would do well in a school setting. And she wants to go to school. She doesn't see the schoolwork we do here as school, just something she has to do. The only real way to get her to sit down and pay attention is buy paying her in TV time.

Shows like Peg + Cat, the Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, they all do really well teaching her different situations. Lil Miss lea
rned her whole alphabet from watching PBS, even counting to 100 (the thing I helped there was counting with her when she would ride her bike in circl
es, and that was a game she invented). She can skip count by two's. She asks how to spell words. All of this from TV.

Math is easy for her. Reading, not so much.

Maybe if I put her in school she would do better. Teachers are trained for it better than I am. She wants so much to do things on her own.

Do you see why I feel horrible all the time? I can't give her friends, I didn't put her in a traditional school, she learns more from TV than me. What hell am I even good for in this situation?

I do I help Lil Miss when all she wants is to play?

Read More

I'm Not Dead!

Cheese and crackers this past summer has been a process. Neither good nor bad, just...a process. If you haven't guessed from earlier posts, I made some decisions for the better. The goal was to be happier and fix some relationships, and I got so much more than that.

I found out my mama is sick, has been for a while. As much as I wanted to hate her for everything she did to me growing up, I just couldn't do it. We don't know how much longer she has. So I've put everything behind me and stopped being angry with her. I cannot forgive or forget, but I can let it go. I wanted to make sure that she has time with the only grandchild she has. I know she loves her, she would give my Lil Miss her last dollar if she asked (which she probably would). She loves seating at the table and watching Lil Miss cut out strips of paper to build a railroad, or color pictures, or play hide & seek. It makes Mama happy, therefore, it makes me happy.

The most important thing about forging my own path was for my marriage. Sometimes we get so set in our ways we don't see the walls of our homes crumbling down. The roof was gone, the rain pouring in. So I left, and started a new home. I am very happy to say that my husband joined me in this new house. We're still working out problems, but now we're working together, instead of just living in the same house.

And what of the writing career (The whole purpose of this blog!)?

Well, it's getting there. I'm still writing, just not as much. I dedicate three, maybe four, hours a day to nothing but writing. In the morning I'm with Lil Miss and in the evening my husband is home and we spend family time and together time then. Once everyone goes to bed (they have an 8:00 pm bedtime, early work-shifts
), I get to sit alone in the dark at my desk, writing.

I work this way so that I don't take time away from either of them. If I ever sit down to write when they're around nothing ever gets done. Lil Miss wants to play or ask a thousand questions, Hubby needs help finding this or that, asks my opinions on a kitchen island I desperately want (hopefully I'll get it for Christmas, handmade by the hubby), or someone just wants to cuddle.

The writing career is going slowly, but I haven't stopped. As we speak I am on draft 8 (yes EIGHT) of Legacy. Things there are going swimmingly, although I giggle like a little schoolgirl when I get to, eh-hm, certain scenes.
(I just giggled thinking about it. There is definitely something wrong with me.)
Crystallised is coming along even more slowly. I've changed a few things around and now the first draft is half done. My Tutore series is even further away from where I hoped it would be. For the first book I ever actually sat down to write (and never got further than the first chapter) it is definitely taking a lot of time to get to the end of step one.

That's it. That's my life up to to this point. Besides not having internet and keeping me from talking to all you wonderful, I'm content. Happy.

That was the goal for all this.

Read More

Roadmaps Help You When You Think You Won't Need Them

When you want to be a published writer, many people still look to the exhaustive traditional publishing. Agents, query letters, rejections, and waiting. Sometimes you can wait months or even years. You will recieve fifty rejections before you get a deal.

I guess that’s why self-publishing is so appealing. You can publish when you want and screw the rejection. Plus, you get to keep more of the royalties. You are your own boss. Which means a whole lot more than you think.

To be your own boss and to self-publish, you have to treat your career like a business. You have to come up with a business plan, a marketing plan. There are legal things you have to do (such as IRS information). This all on top of writing, editing, and designing the cover.

If you have the budget, you can hire out editors and cover designers. Since the rise of self-publishing more and more people are branching out, becoming freelancers in their respective fields. A good editor can make a world of difference in your book and sales. Cover designers can give your book that leg up it needs to get people looking.

When you want to sell a book you have to think from the reader's perspective and how they choose a book. The cover is the first thing they see...so it has to fit the genre and be eye catching. Next is the description...get across just enough to pull the reader in but don’t give away the whole plot. The next thing is the inside. The reader will usually flip through a few pages to see how the inside looks. Grammar, alignment, font size...all that will make or break it for you as a writer.

All of these things can be hired out or done all by yourself. If you are like me, you can DIY all the way only because I cannot afford to hire out full time professionals.

To be able to do that I have to do a lot of research. The different types of editing, designing, and tips & tricks that can help me make the absolute best my book can be.

I’m going to leave these two things here.Both resources are chockfull of tips and things you need to know if you want to be a self-published writer. I cannot begin to tell you just how helpful these two books have been. And they’re free!

You can Google the authors and sign up for loads of free tips and tricks, and resources you will definitely need on your writing and publishing journey.

Successful Self-Publishing by Joanna Penn and Self-Publishing Boot Camp by Carla King

Read More

Legacy is Born

I’ve gone on and on about what I’ve been doing lately, except for what really matters to you guys: my current projects.

For Camp Nanowrimo in April I was working on my mermaid adventure, Crystallised. I finished that with a win. But I felt burnt out over it. I couldn't write anymore. So I put it on the backburner for a little while.

Now I’m working on an oldy-but-goody, my first ever book, my literary baby Legacy. What can I say about Legacy? It’s fast paced, action packed, has a strong female MC, romance, deciet, and fast cars.

Legacy was inspred by a NA book, Jamie McGuire’s Beautiful Disaster. I loved that book, how beautiful and tragic it really was on different levels. So I set out to write my own NA book. Legacy started out as Leather Angel, the first in a set of three books. I wrote that whole book out by hand in a set of spiral bound notebooks I bought at Dollar Tree.

When I started typing it, the story changed, taking on a life of its own. I hear a lot of authors talk about how when they write, the story changes and surprises them. They don’t know where the story will go or how it will change. Sometimes I wonder how that can be. How can you write something and the characters do something you don’t expect? Aren’t you writing the blasted thing?

Well...my own project did just that. It changed, it surprised me. As I typed, I looked less and less at my hand-written novel. I stared at the computer screen and wrote for hours on end. The words flowed. I did no research, usually only looking online to spell a word if I wasn’t sure I had spelled it right. I made no notes as I was writing.

All I saw was the screen in front of me and the story acting as a movie inside my head. I could hear their voices, the yelling, the fear and love and sadness seeping out through my fingers.

I started typing April 2014 and wrote the final word July of the same year. Four months had gone by and I had a story. Start to finish and a whole lot of drama inbetween. It was time to start editing. I got through chapter one, then chapter two...At the end of July I was gearing up to do a major rehaul of Leather Angel.

Until my whole world came crashing down. For the first time in years, the first time ever, I was broken. Even the years of physical and mental abuse didn’t break me the way that one night late July did. The relationship I had mirrored the emotions for the book had been shattered into a million tiny pieces.

I coudn’t even look at LA again. I was done with it. Everything I wanted, that I was, I let it go. And hated it. LA became a symbol. One I didn’t want to deal with. So I deleted it. I had copies of it everywhere, in all my emails, my online storage, my computer...I deleted them all. Except for one.

I gazed at my computer screen, at this final symbol of all my hard work and emotion. I saw it in two parts: what I wanted it to be and what it had come to mean. If I was to delete it, I would lose that girl I wanted to be, no matter the consequences.

So I moved the email with LA attached to a folder I rarely used, and promptly pretended to forget it had ever existed.

For two years, I moved in a cloud of numbness. I refused to acknowledge what I was doing in the wake of that summer’s events. I had bowed under pressure, stuffing my independent will under a blanket of subservience. I held my tongue, I pretended, I was a shadow.

Until one day, I woke up. I opened that email and saw Leather Angel glaring back at me. I could feel the girl I was screaming at me to do something before it was too late. The dark thing inside my mind was growing again. The years of beating it back with a stick had ended long ago, but it was time to get that stick back out.

I opened Leather Angel and started to work. Legacy was born, and the old me right along with it.

In the past few months I have made changes, made decisions, and it has led me to this point: I am not the type to bow down and take what I get. I want so much more than what I have been given in life. I forgot who I was for a litte while, and stopped dreaming of what I could do to make the world a better place. But now I am better for it.

We all are, I think. My identity crisis saved me, saved me from a darkness I can only hope will go back to the sleeping giant it once was. I almost threw away something precious to me, but I reeled it back in before it was too late. 

Read More

Today Is The Day

Guess what?

Today is my birhday!!!! So no, there will not be a review today. This morning I have a dentists appointment (awesome birthday present, right?) and I don’t know what I’m doing for the rest of the day. I know I want to be on the beach...playing in the surf, building sand castles with Lil Miss. I want a fish fry for dinner...I love me some fried freshly caught flounder.

But mostly, I just want to relax. No worrying about anything, not money, jobs, writing. Nothing.

If I can’t get out to the beach, or anywhere with a pool at least, I will just have to sit here and stare at this little beauty:

This is Virginia Beach in 2010. I took it years ago when I returned there for a day to retrieve my things from an old friends house I had lived with for a little while. I lived right down the road from this beach and never once visited it. I took advantage of it while I was there for a few hours.

There is nothing I love more than sand under my feet and the sound of waves crashing. Sea gulls stealing chips from picnics, the smell of coconut sunscreen in the air. Vinegar stealing the sting out of sunburns late at night.

Good memories, good times. It doesn’t matter where I go today, just as long as I have my lovelies with me.

Read More

Time For Some Ketchup...I Mean Catch-Up

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted, but I have been writing and I have not forgotten you. Today I’m just going to post some of the notes and ‘letters’ I’ve written over time to you guys. They’re just notes, things that have resonated with me. Some are funny and ridiculous, others I have no idea how to classify them.

So read on for a look inside my mind.

5/31/2016

Everyone has little cheats they use when writing, abbreviations, symbols, etc. Thanks to Jim Carrey in the movie God Almighty, I always spell out ‘beautiful’ as b-e-a-utiful. In the voice Jim uses. Always.

That’s not the only trick the media, television and movies in particular, have taught me when spelling.

Remember that episode of Family Guy where Stewie pronounces the H in coolwhip? Yeah, whenever I hear the word coolwhip now, there is Stewie Griffin calling out coolWHip. And it’s not just that one word. It’s any word that carries a silent H. I realized this when I was editing Legacy and needed to write overwhelming. I couldn’t remember where exactly the H went. Then Family Guy came on the tv and I remembered Coolwhip...botta-bing, I knew just where that H went.

So it got me thinking, what other tricks, besides the obvious, can be used for writing tricks? The mind is wonderous thing, isn’t it? What tricks do you use?

6/06/2016

Indie Author. DIY...that means we do it all by ourselves. We write, edit, and create all on our own. The best books have aspects hired out, hard edits and covers. That is, if you have the budget.

Most career paths have classes you can take, sometimes even online, or schools you can attend to obtain a degree in what you want to do in life. Writers and authors don't have that. Sure we can take business classes, creative writing classes, graphic design classes...which all adds up to thousands of dollars spent and hundreds of hours devoted to learning. We have workshops and webinars to teach us. But as with music and art, you either have it or you don’t.

Anyone can be a writer...but not everyone can be a good writer. On top of that, indie authors have to wear many hats, not just that of writer. We have to do research, write our stories, edit those stories, design covers, edit some more, find beta readers, create author platforms, create an online profile through social media and author websites...on top of creating more than one book or project.

The world of publishing is ever-changing, and yo have to stay on top of every news article and change in the industry. It’s hard work and time consuming.

If you are like me, just etting out there, you probably are signed up for newsletters from other indie authors who figured this stuff out a long time ago. My inbox is filled with emails containing news, tips, and tricks to get out there and make the most of my chosen career.

But those emails...they have me in information overload. I see what to do, what not to do, try this complany, stay away from these kinds of publishers, use this software, use whats free, write what you know, go learn something new and write about that.

It is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to write and hit ‘publish.’ But I need to make a life out of this. To do that I have to have an income to support not just my career, but also my life. I need to produce a good product, which comes from hard work and diligence.

Diligence produces research I can use to make it in this fast moving world. I know I need the advice. I know what I need to do but sometimes….

*face meet desk*

Read More

No Review This Week

The past two weeks have been a scamble. A lot of changes have been made, and now I'm trying to piece everything back together.

I've been looking for a job, cleaning my dad's house, and tending to Lil Miss. Things are coming together, slowly but surely, but it's come at a price. I'm not the oly one paying it, and I absolutely hate the pain this has all caused.

But emotions aren't like a light switch. They can't be turned on or off at a person's will. There's not much I can do in that department, but I'm still here. Pushing forward.

Tody was supposed to be review day. Obviously, that's not happening this week. But it will happen, I promise. Next week, I swear. I have a few books waiting on my TBR list waiting to be reviewed.

Also, I'm going to start writing again. I want to bget back to Crystallised and Legacy. I also have a few other books I want to start writing. I'm still fleshing out the plans for those, but I'll keep you posted.

That's it for today. I'll be back Friday, if not then next Monday. Promise.

Happy Wednesday, lovelies.

Read More

Oh A Writing We Will Go...

As I stated Monday, this is a scheduled post. And boy do I have some news for you. I finished my Camp Nano project goal. !!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cue squealing. I finished writing Saturday but wanted to wait until the very end to let you guys know. I couldn't wait til Monday.

As always, seeing my family is good. Lil Miss seeing her Papa is wonderful. And hanging out with old friends is even better.

I am totally going to bombard you guys with this awesomeness. I didn't even get halfway for November's Nanowrimo last year, so this is quite an accomplishment for me. Especially with everything I have going on. 

Next Monday I'll share with you my experiences, my ups and downs, and the heart attacks all in detail. Be sure to check back. 

Did you participate in Camp Nanowrimo? Let me know how you did in the comments below. 

Missed this months Camp? Don't worry, there's another one in July and the official Nanowrimo is every November. It is never too late to start. 

Read More

I'm Out!!!

Of town. Had you going didn't I?

I'm going out of town for the week to see my daddy. I am a daddy's girl through and through. Twice. 'Cus I have two daddies. Biological and guardian. I love them both so much and I never really take the time to talk to them, or any family really. It's one of my more shameful attributes. And I am trying to reconcile that. You never know when the day could be their or your last.

Because I'll be out of town, I won't have internet connection. Actually, this is a scheduled post, as will the other posts for this week be. I don't know when I'll be able to get to the library to make sure I get this done for you, so I'm making sure I don't break my promise.

Also, being a writer, I ahve a few writer friends. Below is one piece by a very old friend. We shall call him M. M has been writing for as long as I've known him and I love his work. His talent is painting pictures with his words.

I imagine some smooth, low voice reading it aloud to me and it's a calming pool of bliss. If I could give you audio of that I so would. And now, on to the beautiful:

The air of the human element,

Reading, seeing, feeling that hidden power

Self illuminating deep textured spheres,

Colors, images, mesmerizing transparent eyes,

All wanting to share deep layers of melodious overtones

to love the drama and the rhythm of the word fused with sonorous language.

Divine rhythm, layered from earth scaling upwards

Flowers, trees, hills, colored essence rising

Spiritually reflected with sunset painted frescoes

The look of the sky changes, pictures presented like each unique mood

One by one they trace their lines,

Spreading flowery pink hues with glorious purple stains

Here, a sphere, here the song,

Hear the layers all gathered together

Each day, a set of new instruments traced together in the sky

Each day, wondering, how to bring them down

Look into my face and you’ll see a calm man

With his eyes in a different dream, always hearing what can’t be heard

But knowing it holds an intense beauty.

Each dramatic surge reads like the innate driving pulse

Constantly revealing, solemnly reveling

In deep orchestral colors, of which I can only share

Sad little fragments

That need to be gathered together,

Each theme carefully corresponding  to

Surges, dreams, love, question, yearning

Peering over the edge into a reality that can be made

Hands raised towards the sky, gathering the motions, directing the current’s flow

The layering of evening colors harmoniously blended,

And over the land, voices raised in wordless tones,

Melodiously textured to reflect

the simplicity of colored fields to the eye.

Orchestrating the melody

Voice, upon voice, lovingly evocating simplicity

Contrast with those complex ones, more dissonant to the ear

Textured lightly, clearly, chromatic impressions

Strings seep through, singing continuously higher

guitar electric, light colored main voice, transition

layers of altered textured sounds carefully crafted and matched

to give voice to wordless internal reflective monologue.

Gentle, sad cycles, calling up to spiritual triumphant

Humble, pleading, thrown to mercy’s creative oblivion

To find answer, upon answer

Of the connection of image, motive, song

This one solo voice transformed into guiding textures

Blissful, cyclically striving,

Infinitely dynamically rich

Instruments may not exist to properly create that sound

The flow of each surge, the pulse of each colored breath,

Rising ever on, greater chords, painting liberation

with tones held away, inexpressible save by careful transposition

voices controlled deep before a thought becomes spoken word

deep before words, only this tone exists

to serve as mirror of all those moods, sanguinely reflected

the impenetrable space of truth in creativity.

So what did you think? Help me encourage M to post his work online. I want to know what you think in the comments below. Happy Monday!

Read More

The Cliché MC

Young Adult. A popular genre in Book World. It's also one genre that carries cliches on its back. We all know the stereotype: young, 16 year old girl, virgin, no drinking, drugs, or partying of any type whatsoever. The outcast with 1-3 close specific friends. Sheltered. Bland, blah, and so exhausted.

I haven't picked up a good YA novel in a while. I think the last one that didn't have a stereotypical female MC was The Selection by Kiera Cass. The Selection may have fallen flat for some people, but it was a refreshing breeze for me.

But the Pure MC isn't the only book-turn-off. I found this article that clearly expresses just how I feel about the YA books of today. Will I follow these guidelines to the T? Probably not, But it plainly addresses the many problems I've had trying to find a good book lately. And it's advice from my target audience.

I can only hope that my wish to publish will be well received. I know there is no possible way to make everyone happy, that everyone will like my books, but I hope I can do the writer and reader community justice.

But if I fail...I will get up again.

What book cliches/stereotypes are you tired of? Share in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you.

Read More

Scattered Thoughts

So far, all of my posts have been scattered, disjointed thoughts.

A broken road-map from point A to point B where I visit points C-Z first.

My mind works in a scattered way. I will have a thought or idea and to vocalize that thought I feel like I'm jumping down the rabbit hole just to get it out. Most of the time I end up not getting to the point. I'll have completely forgotten the point by the time I've finished typing.

Instead of taking the red line straight to X, I'm on the orange line, hitting every mark except the one I really need. 

Writing a book feels different. I can play each and every word on a movie reel in my head. Transcription from brain to document is as easy as breathing. So why is it so hard to write a clear and concise blog post? Technically, this place is an online journal that I'm sharing with anyone on the internet. It should be easy to write out all my thoughts. 

But its not. Maybe treating this thing like a journal is why this is so hard. I'm trying to share my real-life with you. And it's not as easy as I'd like to think. 

I can say one thing and do another. But I'd like to say one thing and actually do it. 

Read More

For The First Time Ever...I'm Doing A Thing

And that thing is....*drum roll, please*....plotting.

Yes, for 25 years I have been what writers refer to as a pantser, ie. a person who writes by the seat of their pants. I have never in my life plotted, made notes, researched, wrote out character notes. None of that. I would get a story in my head and write. Within a few weeks I'd have a book. And some of the characters would have 5 different names because I couldn't remember what name I gave them the first time, events would happen that I could never find again to edit. There was even one part where I changed the book completely halfway through and couldn't figure out what was supposed to change and what was supposed to go.

Well now, so I don't have to deal with that headache again, I'm plotting. I'm making notes. I'm researching. As of 5 minutes ago, I was writing out character profiles. I only have 6 actual characters in the whole book, and only 3 of them are main characters, but hey, I need all the help I can get.

You could scour the internet for worksheets, tips, and the like but here's one I used from over at Writer's Write.

There's always a bunch of good stuff at Writer's Write and I visit it regularly. This is the first time I've actually used some of their tips and tricks and so far it's going pretty good.

OH! And the site contains much more info than just about writing. There's stuff for readers, gamers, movies, really anything in the entertainment world can be found at Writer's Write.

Do you have any websites you use as a resource? Share them in the comments below.

Read More

Gonna Try This NaNoWriMo Thing Again

This time, I've signed up for Camp NanoWrimo. Instead of 50,000 words, I can set my own limit. I've set it at 25K words, hoping I can make or even beat that goal.

I will be working on the same novel I tried to work on last time, but I hope to actually get some work done this time.

A lot of people think being a writer means you wake up, write, do life, sleep, and repeat. Not true. AT ALL.

Most of the time writing is sporadic. There are bursts of inspiration and then nothing for hours, days, or even weeks (or months in my case). The blank page on a computer screen is a daunting thing that terrifies people into procrastinating.

And when a writer isn't trying to write, they're doing chores, playing with their kids, hanging out with friends: everything a normal person does on a day to day basis a writer does.

Trying to write around all the normal life stuff is harder than people think.

Hopefully this go-around, I'll be able to meet my goals.

Fingers Crossed

Read More

NaNoWriMo Project Cover Reveal

Since this is my first year doing NaNoWriMo, I wanted to get a piece of everything. So I applied for the Unofficial 30 Cover/30Days project, a side forum on the NaNoWriMo website.

And my book was one of those picked...a very talented participant, who wishes to remain anonymous, made this cover free of charge to be used as I wish.

The cover itself follows my own ideas of what I wanted and it's just so pretty...

James Hawkins, just like his namesake, is out looking for adventure and a treasure to help his mother's failing bed and breakfast. Enter Verena, a strange girl with an even stranger secret. She knows where a rare Viking artifact rests at the bottom of the ocean. All she asks in return is for James's help in breaking her curse.

Set in the waters of the Bermuda Triangle, there's more than a little human error fighting these two as they search for the King's Crystal. Hurricanes, lies, and an old witch could tear them apart.

Will James learn the truth in time? Or will Verena fall prey to the whims of greed?

What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

Happy reading.

Read More

A Fresh Start

Well, this is take 3 of blogging my life. Take 3 of letting you, dear reader, in.

My days are full of hugga-muggas and melt-your-face-off guitar playing in the background and words sitting in my lap. When I'm not reading or writing, I'm homeschooling my Lil Miss or finding something else to get into.

My life is simple. Some call it boring. I call it perfection.

Follow along as I share my trials as a writer, a mommy, and a student.

Also, I am a participant in this year's NaNoWriMo. If you are contributing in any way, stick around for my NaNo tidbits and word counts. For more info click the page at the top here or click here.

Happy reading, lovelies.

Read More